Does He See?

Really suscefull poem. But I could even sing. If I could Id make a melody for it, but the problem was it was to short because if you had not made that many spaces it would have been to fast. If would be you Id make it longer.

Mmm. Interesting piece.
I had issues relating to it because this seems rather religious in which, that isn't me, but I liked it other than that!
It was well written and I like the way you spaced the lines.
It gave it dramatic pauses.
Good job.
The theme of the poem is good though. Very strong. A topic we should all have on the brain.

Well done.

Hey,
Well done, this poem was very good, I think you could have done better though.
It really is like a poetic prayer.
The only line I didn't get was


[quote]Or the grave we dealt[quote]


What does that mean?

Anyway, well done and keep writing!.
C.C

This was an interesting poem. Sometimes, I felt that you were forcing your rhyms a little bit. Also, your poem didn't have a rhyming pattern. Sections did, but you changed it. I'm not an expert on poetry, but I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to do that. Correct me if I'm wrong on any of this.

Lord oh Lord,

Do you feel it?

Lord oh Lord,

Do you see it?

Lord oh Lord,

The pain and death,

The saddens and theft, These two don't really rhyme

The people who left,

Or the Troubles we met, This one doesn't rhyme either

Lord oh Lord,

Did you understand,

The regrets we felt,

The shame we fought,

Or the grave we dealt? In this stanza, you changed your pattern. Lines 2 and 4 rhyme

Lord oh Lord,

Did you know,

The death we met,

Or the longing we felt?

Were you there,

When happiness came,

When miracles took the pain, You change it again here. Lines 6, 7, and sort of 5.

And good was not in vain?

Very very good, deep and makes you think...

A few things

[qoute] Or the grave we dealt?
[/qoute]

im not sure but is it supposed to be graves?

I like the imagery of graves being playing cards btw

The last line is a tad confusing

Keep writing!

Three words, dearie. Show don't tell.


Also the "lord oh lord" lines became a bit much for me, and this line "The saddens and theft," was hard to read and I stumbled over it.

There is a good idea here, but you need to work on your execution.


Best of luck
OverEasy

Thanks.

I thought it was brilliant. But I'm not the greatest author in the universe though. I like the 'Lord oh Lord' phrase, it kept the poem moving along. ***

Lots of people wonder about what you're wondering in that theme. Whatever you're struggling through, you're not alone.

I like the repetition of 'Lord oh Lord', and how you have everything in short phrases. I think you could've put one more thing in, as 'Lord oh Lord, do you hear it?'. Kind of like putting in all the senses of the human body.

Great work though.

I thought it was okay it could be better though and I think it's kind of short. And, there is so much repletion of "Lord oh Lord." Which I think you could do without. I did like the concept though about you are wondering if God is truly aware of what is going on in this world.

THX

This is a very successfully written poem with many good points.
Good job
I would suggest a few things, that if u choose to make note of, might possibly help...
First of all....question marks. As well as making it more correct, these would also slow down the poem a bit and help the reader take it in.
Also, i think that u have a great poem here so you could even extend it and make it longer. Because you appear to be good at picking out good points to work with, there are surely more to come!
Keep up the good work and i hope i have been of some help!!!